[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
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6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…