My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
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I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”