If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
You Might Also Like
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
the composer
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you