5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
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Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.