Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
You Might Also Like
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
also my go-to takeaway order
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.