KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
You Might Also Like
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
normalize having existential bread
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.