This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
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Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
sliding into dms like
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.