😂😂
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My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Saturday
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.