“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
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I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔