What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
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It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.