My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
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My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Spell check is for lasers.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.