[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
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Lmao
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
my dog when i have a friend over
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.