My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
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[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.