Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
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[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Bed should get ready for ME
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
My favorite female superhero
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob