The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
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I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
All generalizations are stupid.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands