Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
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If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator