Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
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If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
The news is so predictable nowadays
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]