– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
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I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me: