im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
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[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.