Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
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Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”