I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
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Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?