therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
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[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus