[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
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a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Trumpy Cat
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation