The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
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Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza