You Might Also Like
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.