I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
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Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.