[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
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I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
very niche meme I made
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work