Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
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She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
And that about sums it up.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.