I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
You Might Also Like
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Thursday