doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
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pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.