“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
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I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.