Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
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Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
#parenting
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in