[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
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I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
How is it still this week?
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.