Livid.
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Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA