The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
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WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”