Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
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There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.