When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
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cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time