Girl, same.
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Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Mistakes were made
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
choose your fighter
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.