[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
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“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here