I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
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You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
🤫
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
This kid will have a bright future.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]