Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
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Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
This hospital has everything
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos