My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
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Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
im 7 sauces long
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Home #decor warning.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Shortcut
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.