pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
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Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Thank you corporation very cool
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.