Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
You Might Also Like
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance