A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
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Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude