Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
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– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn鈥檛 strong enough.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I鈥檒l be the first to go in next apocalypse
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 馃幎
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 馃泚
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Does beer think about me too?
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
We鈥檙e having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer: