Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
You Might Also Like
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Siri: Retweet me.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY