I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
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I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Best spot.. 😅
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.