Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
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Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
You’ll be OK
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
A customer told me they were never coming back….
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”