I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
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After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Can’t stop laughing